aimee

Channeling Kyla...

Sun, 16 Aug 2009 03:50:47 GMT

Or see http://comics.com/luann/2009-08-09/ if it gets cropped.

Another improv YouTube

Wed, 06 May 2009 19:53:20 GMT

For all the Finals Week sufferers out there - lifted from Joe Straubhaar's Facebook.

Too good not to pass along

Tue, 05 May 2009 17:21:50 GMT

The Onion on the new Star Trek movie - "borrowed" from Mark Bernstein's LiveJournal account.

US Navy Ceremonial Guard Silent Drill Team

Mon, 04 May 2009 15:53:12 GMT

"About three years ago, our US Navy Ceremonial Guard Silent Drill Team was invited to compete in an International Tattoo in Norway . The Navy competed against military units from all over NATO and won first place. Once you see the video you'll understand why they won."

Japanese "Fiddler on the Roof"

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 17:16:45 GMT

Very cool; courtesy of Mark Bernstein's Live Journal, who said: "The opening sequence of "Fiddler On the Roof" . . . in Japanese. (Granted, it probably helped that, having been in the show twice, I knew exactly what they were saying.)...I've read that when "Fiddler" first opened in Japan, someone asked one of the original producers how the show could have been a hit in the U.S., since it was so very Japanese.

Beer Bottle Orchestra

Sun, 23 Nov 2008 15:34:30 GMT

This is very fine!

Car Follies Update

Fri, 07 Nov 2008 16:29:08 GMT

So I get a call from the dealership on Wednesday that the car was ready to pick up, after being repaired due to being rear-ended. We take the check from the insurance agency and trundle on down. The people at the body shop - who are very nice people, and pretty together - pull out the paperwork and I look it over; it looks fine, if expensive (this is where deductibles become annoying) and Susan goes and gets the car form the back lot.

It looks beautiful, just like new at least around the back end, and the doors all open and close properly, and so on. We go back into the office to finish up, and a tech asks me for the key back to move the car out of his way, which he does. Financial transactions later, we shake hands with Susan, walk over to the car, start it up, put it in gear - and the Master Fault light comes on, as well as every other warning light on the dashboard.

Wow, is that embarrassing for Susan. I have to walk back over and say "it's not working". They can't even get it to turn OFF.

So we spend 15 minutes wandering around the lot admiring Yarises (Yari?) and conversing with the sales manager, then we huddle up with Susan et al again and they say they'll have to have a tech run diagnostics on it.

I heard from them a few minutes ago - it's now Friday - and Susan says the car is now ready to pick up. It was making them absolutely crazy. It appears that while the car was opened up for repair, a leaf got in amongst its works and acted like the proverbial bug in ENIAC.

There will be no charge for this repair. I wonder whether they actually removed a leaf and suddenly everything started working, or whether this is a Gee-I-Wonder-If-A-Leaf-Was-The-Problem conclusion.

I sure hope it's the former, we'll go pick it up as soon as Tim gets home from a meeting.

Why I voted for Mr Obama

Wed, 05 Nov 2008 18:10:15 GMT

[in response to whether we voted for "an African American man"]

...I voted for a deeply intelligent, thoughtful, determined person with demonstrated ability to bring people together and a great team already building around him, who also seems to have priorities I strongly agree with.

Something I found bizarre about the whole Palin attraction was people saying "I like her, she thinks just like me" and my response is usually "Yep, and I wouldn't vote for you either". Not because I didn't like any given person - leaving out my personal opinion of Ms Palin here, which is beside the point - but because governing requires talent as well as skill which derives from, and then feeds, knowledge and understanding. Voting for "someone that thinks like me" is very odd; I want to have a leader that is WAY smarter, more knowledgeable, and more skilled at leading than I am. That usually means someone who does NOT think the way I do, beyond basic principles.

There can never be too many of them. Their gender or race or age is immaterial. I believe Mr Obama is one of those people.

YMMV -

I voted

Tue, 04 Nov 2008 17:23:44 GMT

Walked next door to the school at about 10, did the thing, then timmoran and I drove over to Starbucks to claim our coffee.

How 'bout everybody else?

Politics

Sun, 02 Nov 2008 03:34:26 GMT

Quote from the New Yorker, a remarkably lucid summary of the presidential candidates on a wide range of fields.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2008/nov/02/elections-obama-mccain-yorker-democrats

Drat...

Sun, 26 Oct 2008 21:05:11 GMT

So there timmoran and I were, on our way to Target to get some workout pants for me, sitting in stopped traffic, when there was a very long sliding sound and a Dodge Diplomat cannoned right into the back of my Prius.

The driver had clearly been trying to stop and/or steer on the rain-wet pavement and, without ABS, it just didn't work. His airbag went off - caught him in the jaw, he said - but ours didn't, as we didn't run into the car in front of us. Nobody seemed to be hurt, so we got out of the cars (we were in the right-center lane) and called the police.

There is an Arby's just there, and Ryan, the other driver, was pretty shaky especially because of the airbag impact, so he and I went into Arby's to sit down for a bit until the police arrived. He said he was on his way to his son's birthday party. The police showed up and we went back outside. At their request we got out the registration and proof of insurance, then filled out witness forms. Two tow trucks arrived and started loading the cars onto the flatbeds, while Tim and I had a desultory conversation with Ryan. One of the policemen came over and asked to have a word with Ryan, and the next thing we knew they were putting handcuffs on him and escorting him toward one of their cars. Ryan had left a notebook and a pair of kids' shoes on the sidewalk where we were talking, so we took them over to one of the policemen. We also asked him if he had any idea how we could get home...he seemed nonplussed, said it was a bit far for him to take us, but he could probably take us closer to home. We thanked him and said no, if we were going to call someone for help we could just as well go over to Sam's and wait there, which we did. (In retrospect we could have walked or been driven to the Mall a little way up the road and gotten the bus, but we weren't thinking too clearly just then)

We called Carol, who came right out and even took us to Target. I did get the pants. As we pulled into the parking lot the heavens opened and we had a thundering hailstorm. I don't remember being in one inside a parked car before, it left a solid layer of hailstones on the lot. Carol then dropped us off at our house, and we have to call the insurance agency in the morning to get the car sent over to the shop.

We are very glad for headrests, ABS, an airbag that worked perfectly 20 years after it was installed, briskly competent cops, warm sunny weather while we were standing outside, and that nobody was hurt. I am sorry for Ryan, who seems to have made some poor decisions, and for my car, which looks a bit the worse for wear. And once again I am amazed at how just a thin film of water on the road surface can cause a complete change in governing physics.

Ok Go Wallpaper

Sat, 06 Sep 2008 00:14:09 GMT

Slightly disturbing and yet fascinating YouTube bit:

(If you haven't seen the Ok Go original YouTube clip, it's cool too:

Swiss Army Drum Corps

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 13:15:05 GMT

Awesome clip.

Baronial badge with rings

Fri, 02 May 2008 14:52:21 GMT

Baronial badge with rings
Originally uploaded by Aimee Moran

YouTube Clip

Sat, 19 Apr 2008 15:21:19 GMT

Borrowed from Dave Stein's page -

If you liked "Smoke on the Water", you'll love...

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 16:01:25 GMT

"Smoke on the Yangtze". My. It *is* in English, nominally.

Swan Lake

Wed, 05 Mar 2008 20:12:25 GMT

This is just a staggering display of athleticism and grace.

Not “actually” naked

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 18:09:20 GMT

- by Tim Moran

Dogs of the press, it continues to be a banner week for news, and the most recent
Alpo is a deliciously juicy statement from FEMA.

The Centers for Disease Control (another in the continuing plural-name hits of Our Proud Government) has informed the public that emergency housing trailers sent to the Gulf Coast to help recover from Hurricane Katrina by occupying former farmland in vast parking lots of pork-barrel purchases are loaded – LOADED – with bonus formaldehyde.

Unlike the rest of us, who are ecstatic when we get free extra formaldehyde with our purchase of plywood, particle board, carpet padding or other building products from big-box centers such as Lowe’s or Home Depot, the CDC folk appear to feel that this is a Bad Thing.

They believe that exposing hurricane victims to up to 40 times the “normal” concentration of formaldehyde is not something that should be done. This, despite the fact that most of us at one point or another during our education have experienced a pre-lunchtime dead cat, stiff as a board and just laden with excess formaldehyde, which we were required to poke around in using dental implements until Marnie Rich threw up all over the table, at which point we were dismissed to the cafeteria. Is it any wonder the Lunch Ladies hated the science teachers? However, this demonstrates the firm American principle that formaldehyde should be in every education and places the American Public School System (the ONLY system that can proudly state that We Have Tried To Incorporate Intelligent Design, But With Limited Success) on the side of early and frequent formaldehyde exposure.

The shocker is that FEMA agreed with the CDC, a unique bi-partisan effort between two normally warring Federal agencies. But it did so in a canny kind of way, according to reports from the liberal, anti-formaldehyde media. According to one liberal, anti-formaldehyde report from the notoriously Satanic CNN, “FEMA’s office of the general counsel advised the agency not to test the trailers because doing so ‘would imply FEMA’s ownership of the issue.”

Admitting something exists is bad practice at FEMA, which, among other things, attempted to believe that there was No Problem after much of the Caribbean came for a quick visit to what we now call the Kentucky Southern Coastal Area, washing a thin film of Mardi Gras souvenir plastic beads, lightweight casino chips and several million displaced Americans in front of it. It is a point of pride to remember the FEMA motto of that time, “Brownie, you’ve done a fantastic job!”

It seems important to note that the trailer effort marks another high point for the Free Enterprise System (the ONLY system that can proudly state that We Have Made Money Off Of Intelligent Design). Before Katrina, there was a lagging mobile housing and recreational vehicle industry in this country due to the obscenely high price of fossil fuels and the obscenely easy availability of no-down-payment, interest-only mortgages. This situation raised American gasoline prices to almost half of what the French pay, and this reach into American pocketbooks caused many retirees and others to say “enough, already, we’re not buying that RV this year, in fact, we are parking ours at WalMart until the gas prices go down.” The mortgage situation, meanwhile, made it considerably easier for Americans to move into McMansions than into double-widesa and created a situation similar to that faced by Socialism, in which the ends and the means rarely even date one another let alone get into a serious co-dependency.

This was devastating for the many entrepreneurs who had gambled heavily on Americans being willing to pay for aluminum-clad rolling shipping containers. We live in an adaptable and resourceful nation, however, one that remains the Arsenal of Democracy, and many of these manufacturers quickly turned their business plans around in order to make money from tax breaks, federal grants and special legislation. Answering their war-cry came Katrina, and instantly production was redistributed to create – tah dah! – manufactured emergency housing.

Answering the pleas of our citizenry (Please Rebuild Our City!) our proud Government purchased at least dozens of these wonder-products. Answering the bell that signaled “free money,” manufacturers created at least tens of thousands more of these econoboxes and shipped them to hurricane-ravaged places such as parking lots in northern Alabama. That’s because, though there was an open order on emergency shelter for which actual money would be paid, pesky construction regulations for high-wind-prone places dictated that these shelters were not weather-worthy and so could not be “deployed” (which is a word meaning to be dropped out of the back of a C-130, or to be taken by bus from northern Michigan and forced to spend time in southern Texas counting stitches in Army tents) to the shelter-needy area. To our Arsenal of Democracy, the answer was obvious: Make ‘em as fast as you can and ship ‘em as quickly as possible to FEMA marshalling yards, because Americans are willing to pay for them now, but might not be later.

And so we have been scratching our National heads about what to do with tens of thousands of flimsy Easy-Bake Homeless Shelters quietly cooking under the mid-Southern sun, forming tornado-attracting features. These shelters are now shown to be enhanced with a product which is known to cause mild symptoms ranging from simple nosebleeds and breathing difficulty, to death. Well! As has been pointed out, what’s so bad about a Roller Coaster? Which can also cause nosebleeds and death, but, hey, it’s just so much fun if those things don’t happen that people keep coming back over and over again!

There is a story about an autocratic ruler who chose to appear in public wearing just any old thing. But this is not a story about Bill Clinton. This autocratic ruler once appeared in a public parade wearing not-clothes created by crafty mobile home makers, and it would have stood him in good stead if he had had the FEMA General Counsel’s advice against “owning” an issue. Because, when an undoubtedly Liberal small child implied that all she saw was a not-very-appealing pile of skin, this autocratic ruler did not have the mother wit to reply “As I have not ‘owned’ this issue, I am not actually naked.”

Now that the CDC has identified that formaldehyde environments may not be in the general interest of the greater public, and has also noted with great savvy that “increased temperatures relate to greater formaldehyde release” and has recognized that, in the South, summers occasionally become temperature-enhanced, they are urging that Citizens be moved out of those FEMA trailers that were deployed as soon as possible.

But take note, and heart, America! FEMA has found another use for the excess housing. Even as you read this here, many of those FEMA units are being repurposed. Each safety agency local chapter under the umbrella of Our Proud Homeland Defense Department is now entitled to bring up to two of those structures back to its own state, to use them as Mobile Command Headquarters in case of disaster. And there are lots of safety agencies.

This means that, should something such as a tornado or al Qaeda sweep through, say, Des Moines, rescue officials will seal themselves off in Command Centers full of air containing up to 77 parts per billion of formaldehyde, and, from there, will issue Safety Commands to those of us on the outside.

They’d better bring lots of tactical facial tissues.

NOTE TO TIM-READERS: Tim now has his own LJ site! From here out, Tim's columns will appear at timmoran.livejournal.com. I've posted this column there. - Aimee

It’s the Softball, Amigo …

Wed, 13 Feb 2008 19:30:42 GMT

-by Tim Moran

Newshounds, start your barkers – it’s a banner week for headlines, and it must be the influence of that ancient Roman holiday itself, when women are lovingly whipped through the streets to assist in fertility, that has led to gems like these:

• After dragster blew up, driver mulled quitting
• Child OK after getting stuck in washer
• Family sheds more than 500 pounds
• Former Miss Nevada USA Arrested
• Deputy dumps quadriplegic out of wheelchair

These are only a sampling, mind you, culled from a quick look at recent media and indicative of the general trouble we are all going to be in if some alien life form has been receiving our broadcast news for lo these many years since Marconi made it possible for Gilligan to eventually bestride the globe like a Colossus. Because that alien life form is going to be really, really confused when and if it eventually arrives seeking its K-tel products and hoping to meet Lucy.

But we digress. Without doubt, the headline and lede that so far this week best describe the dilemma of the American voter wondering if it’s going to be John, Hil or Barack is this one, culled once again from the droop-down state, Florida itself (motto: we don’t need no stinkin’ geographic blue pills):

Ex-Florida prison boss: Drunken orgies tainted system

TALLAHASSEE, Florida (CNN) – Softball, drunken orgies and a prison system run like the mafia. That’s what Florida’s former prison secretary says he inherited when he took over one of the nation’s largest prison systems two years ago.

It is the sinister inclusion of Softball that makes this story so relevant, so *pointe de vice* to our nation. Who could doubt that Softball is at the heart of many a dire crime? One only needs think about the awful shorts, the knee socks, the cleats, the mysterious visors in place of baseball caps and the felonious habit of tying up the cap sleeves of the jersey with hair ribbons to expose more shoulder, and it’s clear that Softball’s evil extends beyond the use of left-handers at first base and into the National Psyche at a very deep level.

But wait! There’s more:

On his first day on the job, James McDonough says he walked into his office – the same one his predecessor used – and there was crime scene tape preventing anyone from entering!

“That was an indication we had a problem in the department,” the quick-witted and Sherlockian prison director said, according to media sources. In fact, another prison system employee described the times as “a little tense” and with workers “always on edge.”

It turned out that a “bizarre” prison culture had emerged, in which, McDonough observed, prison guards “… seemed to be drunk half the time and had orgies the other half, when they weren’t taking money and beating each other up.”

It was inter-department Softball that had done it.

“I cannot explain how big an obsession Softball had become … the connection between the Softball and the parties and the corruption and the beatings was greatly intertwined.” – McDonough.

The article included helpful call outs to illustrate just what the former Army colonel faced, including one titled “Watch a corrupted prison system” and another titled “See photos of the ‘party house,” but knowing how incisive you newshounds are, no links are required. You know what the viewers saw. Fruit roll-up wrappers, discarded water bottles and dusty equipment bags are only the beginning of it.

McDonough commanded troops in Vietnam and in Africa, and also served as Florida’s drug czar, so he knows what a corrupt party looks like, and with Softball’s nose under the tent flaps, he certainly saw one. Guards had been importing and selling steroids in an effort to gain an edge on the Softball field, by which we intuit that, soon, we will see some flabby individuals answering tough questions to a panel of shocked Congressional Representatives.

Is there any question that Softball, in its nasty guise as a purported wholesome recreational sport, may have also invaded the Presidential race? Viewing what happened in Florida when their primary came around, can there be Any Question?

Now, John McCain, a former Naval aviator (better than “pilots”), undoubtedly is Softball-aware … and May Even Have Participated. Sure, they may have called it a Morale-Welfare-Family activity, but such is Badness that it can sneak in, even unto our Proud Warrior Caste. Rudy Giuliani certainly has cause to at least dispute the umpire’s call. And Mitt Romney – that suspicious name, Mitt – what can that stand for, if not a deep-pocket, padded, Rawlings super fielder lovingly rubbed-in with neat’s foot oil (endangered neats take note) and tied around a dreaded Softball overnight for that OJ-style gloved feel on the low dribblers?

There is absolutely no question, viewing Hilary Clinton, that she is an experienced Softball personage. That glint in the eye, that aggressive stance, that ability to join in the rhythmic chanting that might go: “We are the be-bops/the mighty-mighty be-bops …” It’s all an indicator. The only question: Did Chelsea do Softball?

But Barack Obama – there we have, potentially, a Softball innocent. Nothing in his background or character expresses Softball or even the least knowledge of Softball. Which speaks to an immediate need: Intercession and preventive action against Softball, before it reaches yet another potential Presidential nominee. He may have swept Virginia, but other candidates’ handlers are no doubt hovering close, spitting in the dust and offering sign-up sheets for The Team. Ohio: A hotbed of … Softball.
Ceaseless vigilance is the price of Liberty. All of you know that we’re only minutes from warm spring weather, and at any moment, a campaign staffer might suggest a friendly match of …

Well, newshounds take note: In Florida, it took the firing of 90 top prison officials; the demotion of 280 others and the conviction of almost 40 other officials to eradicate the damage done by the big ball hurlers. And we’re not just talking about infielders here.

“They were like frat boys out of control.” – McDonough.

A fair warning for our Nation, which needs to remember that this is a week when the words “Defense Secretary Fractures Shoulder in Ice Slip” could indicate our Homeland Security system is Still Vulnerable.

Be careful out there. Don’t try to steal Home if the shortstop is even vaguely close to the play.

##

Straight Shooters

Tue, 22 Jan 2008 18:17:48 GMT

- By Tim Moran

A note to those campaigning in Florida: Do not argue with the 85-year-olds.

Norberto Fernandez has an important safety tip for those who would come to Florida and attempt to walk away with anything, like a vote or possibly Social Security benefits: Do not peeve the plus-80 set, especially white-haired grandfathers or little old ladies in tennis shoes.

Mr. Fernandez, 28, operates a property repurposing business on the streets of Miami’s “Little Havana” neighborhood in which Mr. Fernandez spots objects of value in other people’s possession and repurposes them into being objects of value in his possession. Conservative free-trade advocates would recognize this as being the same business that Enron and certain recent mortgage debt consolidators have engaged in on a larger and more computer-based scale entirely.

His business difficulties on Monday began when he repurposed a purse early in the morning and “leaped” into a repurposed Toyota vehicle that had earlier been considered the asset of a different person. Sadly for Mr. Fernandez, the Toyota encountered a construction fastener that interrupted the integrity of one of its tires, temporarily halting business progress.

That was when Mr. Fernandez decided that a nearby Honda Accord belonging to Jorge Juaregui, 50, should be his next repurposing target. Mr. Juaregui objected; Mr. Fernandez indicated a negotiating stance of “I don’t care” and the two engaged in leveraged buyout discussions described as “a vicious fight” right there on the street corner.

It may be important to realize here that the U.S. domestic auto industry, or at least the product of the so-called “Detroit Three,” were not at issue in this trade dispute.

Enter Mr. Juaregui’s grandfather, Florentino, age 85. Florentino comes from an earlier time of business propriety, and introduced the argument of non-negotiable ballistics by, basically, pulling out his pistol and drilling Mr. Fernandez in a non-fatal but very direct way.

While agents of various law enforcement establishments were concluding the necessary paperwork, the negotiating site was visited by neighbor Ms. Marta Suarez, also in her 80s and wearing Coach athletic shoes. Ms. Suarez was a recent target of a hostile purse takeover bid by a different assailant, who failed to take into consideration her 1930 starring role on the Cuban international track team as a sprinter. Ms. Suarez “chased the man into the path of a police cruiser,” which shows the kind of running strategy usually expected only of distance experts.

Now, for the Republican presidential hopefuls who are campaigning in Florida, some of whom have characterized themselves as "straight shooters," it may be helpful to revisit the campaign issues initially stacked onto their plates. While supportive of free enterprise and free markets, and somewhat dicey about Social Security and programs for the elderly, it would be good for candidates to remember that they are in a state where, apparently, the philosophy of the aged population consists of terse negotiating stances such as “run him down and shoot him.”

Lest there be any idea that Mr. Fernandez’ experience represents the extreme of potential geriatric reaction to unwarranted messing around, it should be noted that Florentino, who was not charged with any crime, is described by neighbors as “the sweetest, kindest gentleman in the neighborhood.”

That leaves a large number of less-sweet, less-kind age-enhanced individuals out there. And they’ve already been annoyed by frequent calls from pollsters.

Candidates, beware.

Identity theft, phone bills and cocaine – Oh My!

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 01:01:25 GMT

-By Tim Moran

Attention, there, news-puppies; time to stop simply using that paper, and instead begin reading it, because this new year of ours (one of the finest anti-terrorism years available, also supportive of the rights of taxpayers and tough on crime in general) has already revealed a number of oh-my-goodness situations that indicate that 2008 is truly a quality event.

We begin in southeastern Michigan, recently renamed the “state of the flaming propane tanker” in honor of events on the North American Free Trade Superhighway this week that revealed that even one little fireball is one too many. It was only after the propane tanker missed its exit slightly, hooked itself on the concrete guardrail like a model train headed for oblivion, and dropped its load to the ground below the I-75 Rouge River bridge that a local community center began having second thoughts about its location below traffic. Obviously, having a random event melt your $260,000 playground renovation will do that kind of thing to you. Coverage by the intrepid Detroit Free Press revealed that not just one, not just two, but three separate evacuated families “ran out of the house without a shirt on their back,” telling us an important fact about Michigan, which is that nobody there seems to have a shirt on their back. Go, media! This is the kind of problem-solving, detail-oriented reporting that helps everybody take sense-making precautions for flaming balls of gas in the future, such as buying a pair of pajamas in case of proximity to a major NAFTA superhighway.

In Flint, a man was arrested on Monday while industriously bootstrapping himself. Justin C. Harden overcame even the difficulties of being on a police-monitored tether while undergoing probation to engage in a retail transaction of some $23,500 worth of value. Mr. Harden, unfortunately, was in the process of attempting to buy (for redistribution) cocaine, and as an added inducement to the transaction was also carrying a .45 caliber handgun. While this was in accord with current Senate discussion, where the inability of Americans to carry firearms while within the confines of National Parks and Wildlife Sanctuaries is causing a current of woe and shame, Mr. Harden’s decision to reflect the ballistic rights of a free people was apparently in violation of his probation agreement. The sting that nabbed him was next to bustling I-75 in Oakland County, which, we would note, is also a North American Free Trade Superhighway which features many auto supplier headquarters.

Mr. Harden’s arrest revealed him to be a member of a minority group. That’s right – Mr. Harden’s intelligence in attempting to bring off a drug deal while tethered puts him right into the group that includes the Federal Bureau of Investigation, which this week revealed its ability to tap certain criminal telephone conversations had been seriously hampered by its inability to pay the bill on time, and the Federal TSA, which revealed this week that its unsecure website meant to be used by people who were inappropriately listed on the “kill this terrorist” data file to exonerate themselves actually was so badly constructed that it may have allowed identity theft of the most pervasive kind.

Apparently the TSA bypassed such elementary steps as secure socket technology or page certification, and instead relied on a note urging people not to hack the site because it was a federal security link of great importance. Haha. We jest. Actually, the website was put together using a no-bid contract handed to a single entity run by an old high school buddy of one of the TSA administrative geeks involved in attempting to correct the no-fly list. The site immediately came under suspicion by bloggers due to rampant grammatical errors, misspellings, lack of encryption and the fact that the site itself wasn’t even hosted on a government domain. The bloggers were immediately investigated by the FBI to see if their blogging represented a threat to the nation.

Showing bravely that 2008 is a high-quality, with-it anti-global-terror year of the best kind, TSA spokesman Christopher White stated that "every issue that the committee brought up has been addressed many months ago. We are not interested in rehashing last year's issues." Mr. White also indicated that the TSA had discovered no ethical issues involving the site, which apparently must have been allowed to board its scheduled flight after re-tying its shoes and removing all of its carry-on luggage from the grey plastic bins.

In answer to the question “is this more or less strange than a guy on a tether buying crack from undercover cops?” we can only note that the FBI, when challenged over its failure to pay the phone bill on time, noted that it was exonerated because the failure to pay the phone bills was caused by an employee who was already under investigation for some $23,000 in possible “personal conversion” of some FBI assets, and, besides, all of the money involved was in an accounting system so old and arcane that nobody really understands it. Hmmm. For $23,000, you can find yourself explaining a handgun next to a NAFTA superhighway, knowing that the copskis are only minutes away from finding your home-made machine capable of packing a kilo of cocaine into appealing little retail packages, but when you’re the FBI you can say things like “we don’t believe any actual investigations were compromised.”

Well, DUH! Investigations, schmestigations, we say. What about the nation’s CREDIT RECORD? Oh, yeah. Perhaps somebody needs to get out there and contact Trans-Union, and ask “Does this $66,000 late payment problem put us on a watch list of some kind? And, if so, is that list run by the TSA?”

So watch those papers, news hounds, or at least glance at them while you do to the day’s events – just what those events deserve.

People think “flakes” and they’re … right!

Thu, 20 Dec 2007 18:45:53 GMT

By Tim Moran

So, newshounds, stop that relentless baying after Britney’s sister and, by way of holiday spirit, let’s concentrate on the ongoing Mortgage Crisis in America.

That’s because the Wall Street Journal, approximately 1,500 words into a story printed on Dec. 17, seems to have stumbled onto the Actual Cause. It’s flakedom.

Here, in a quick summary, is what the WSJ heard from a person whose name shall only be known as “Mrs. Oropeza” and who is a recent defaulter on a mortgage in trendy Corona, California:

“We’re sad because there goes our credit, and because people think we are a bunch of flakes who walked away from the house and tried to make money,” said Mrs. Oropeza.

Join me in a moment of silence as we mourn the Oropeza’s credit rating, please – this is a family not yet certain of whether they will qualify for the proposed Bush Administration’s mortgage bailout proposal, which would help homeowners battered by mortgage rates to forego the rate boost built into most “teaser” loans. Here is why the Oropezas are in trouble:

They bought a house in 2004 for $557,000.

Then they refinanced that house three times, most recently in late 2006 for $835,000.
Each time, the money from refinancing was used to pay off “burgeoning credit card debt,” except for the part they spent on building a backyard waterfall.
“We were in a vicious cycle,” says a person who can only be identified as Mr. Oropeza.

The circumstances were definitely beyond their control. In fact, masked gunmen, Al Qaida or possibly Dick Cheney forced the fully-employed Oropezas to do the following things:

In anticipation that they might be transferred to Texas, the family, knowing its credit rating was sure to suffer in the future, bought a 3,600-square-foot $283,000 house in the Houston area.

Then they took a “long-planned” Caribbean vacation.

When they returned, the neighbors suspected them of cashing out and running from their California home because the neighbors thought the Oropezas bought a Lexus car. Wrong! The Oropezas bought a Lexus car AND a Chevy Suburban using no-cash-down financing.

It was only THEN that they sensitively and thoughtfully “got in our cars and drove to Texas,” as Mr. said.

Mrs. says that neighbors are being cruel and lack understanding when they say the Oropezas cashed out and ran. The choice was straightforward, she says.

“It was easier to keep the house in Texas than the one in California.”

Now, though the Oropezas moved, their jobs didn’t. Just kidding about the transfer! So the senior Oropezas are flying from Texas to Orange County every other week, sometimes more often, to continue their careers there.

As the WSJ sadly notes, “After the government-backed mortgage plan was announced, Mr. Oropeza says he called the toll-free helpline and left a message, though he doubts he will qualify to get his Corona house back.”

We need to be aware of the important challenges faced by the many Oropeza-alikes out there. As an American, I am Quietly Proud to know that our administration may be able to bring help at a time of need to people who Support The American Economy by:

1. Using its troubled airlines, thereby giving business to enterprising flying companies.
2. Buy American! A Chevy sale of any kind in California is good for GM!
3. Help the Houston real estate market, troubled as it has been in recent years.
4. Recognize simple economic decisions and make them.
5. Plan for the future.
6. May, if justice is ever served, support Our Incarceration and Correction Industry.

I am hoping that we can do something for the Oropezas and their self-esteem, especially. To me, it is sad that anybody might think of calling them “flakes.”

There are much, much better words.

Golden Compass Review

Sat, 08 Dec 2007 15:26:04 GMT

By Tim Moran

[Possible spoilers, so stashed below:]

Intercisions, intercisions -- the big lesson of "The Golden Compass" seems to be not to get into a faraday cage with a plug-in radio, because then only bad things happen.

Honest to the Magesterium, it is Not My Intent to spoil this movie's plot line. No, because Other People may have already done that. But we go on; there are at least three good parts to this movie. It has a beginning, a middle, and then they run out of film and stars. Sam Elliott says "I reckon," just like he did as Gen. Buford in "Gettysburg," one of the Favorite Moments of that entire movie. He also takes off his hat and strokes his hair back, just like in "Gettysburg." And just as he does in "Gettysburg," he sails off into the sunset in a balloon containing a large animated polar bear with Gandalf's voice. It's a Very Cool Ending which the author of the original book should have thought of.

It is something, as well, to see Lord Duku make a triumphant return as Saruman. NO, I mean, Willy Wonka's father return as ... well, if you didn't know Claudius ... um, Derek Jacoby was working on the side of evil, finding that Christopher Lee is also pitching as part of his council sitting around the cheery green fire (Green Flames -- aren't the violins supposed to get squeaky here? -- eeen-gray ames-flay, these are ad-bay uys-gay) means that of course, you're in the presence of Ultimate Evil.

There are nifty parts of the movie. I remember a stunning zeppelin; it stunned me enough that my brain didn't even go "Heyyyyy" when the 'Gyptians, found on a Great Big Boat somewhere in the Open Sea, proudly announced they would sail on the next tide. The NEXT TIDE? How were they about to measure that -- send a crewman down? -- and why did it make a difference? Silly me -- probably they needed to wait to get into another harbor to replenish their eyeliner. I guess if you're waiting for something on the ocean, the tide is better than, say, a local service bus.

I do not understand what all the fundamentialist religious fuss is about with this film. Maybe their pension funds had invested, or something. The name of the Lord sprang often to my lips as scene after scene unfolded. In fact, there were moments when the entire Trinity and some biblical bit players were invoked. The whole Magisterium thing being anti-organized-religion? Come on! Work with me, people; I've seen more concentrated evil in the form of Meryl Streep in "Devil Wears Prada." A simple litmus test tells us the Magesterium is incompetent because:

- They have a tower-like fortress of a building. We all know what happens to people who count on their tower to save them. Christopher Lee in a tower -- AGAIN? Cannot somebody cut off this man's supply of architectural viagra?
- Their military arm wears bad hats and gray wool uniforms, and their doctors wear plastron "mad doctor" special scrubs. Trade Federation, anyone? Imperial connections? Haven't these people seen Serenity? The side with the Bad Hats is toast!
- The Magesterium are not "plucky individualists." As we all know, if you are not a plucky individualist, you are something else.
- Magesterial minions are incompetent with firearms, even the Cossack branch of them.
- They monologue. As we all know from "The Incredibles," this is a sign of plot difficulty.

On the plus side, I felt the movie was extremely balanced in its portrayal of gays, native Americans, the U.S. Military, President George W. Bush and librarians.

Email to Virgin Mobile, sent today (grrr)

Thu, 29 Nov 2007 23:55:01 GMT

Mobile phone carrier spontaneously gave away Kyla's cell phone number. Rant behind link. Grrr.

<lj-cut text="letter text below">In re: phone number 313-971-xxxx

I am extremely frustrated with your company right now.

I have had an account with your company for several years; it is one of four Virgin Mobile accounts used by my family. Over the last year, there were some problems with this account's phone service. The phone made and received calls, and received text messages but every once in a while would cease being able to send text messages. We would contact customer service, it would be fixed, and a few months later it would break again.

It happened again a few days ago. We called tech support, and this time they opened a trouble ticket on it as a repeating problem.

Today I get an email saying that Virgin had changed the phone number. This is a problem. The message states that the company tried to contact us via text message (which was never received) and getting no response, they just went ahead and changed the number. It is unacceptably inconvenient for you to change the number, giving NO notice and getting NO permission.

When I called tech support, I got a very pleasant young woman who looked up the situation, and explained that it is impossible for you to get the number back, as it has already been released for re-assignment. She explained that the decision had been made by the investigation team, and that there was nothing she could do about it. I asked to speak to a supervisor, and she transferred me to a Cindy (no last name or identifier would be given) and she basically said that the investigation team had indeed taken it upon themselves to release my number without my permission, nothing could be done about it, and that "the account had been reset to start the account month again, and I had a $17 credit on my account, so that's it". When I asked her for someone who *could* be of any assistance, she said that there was no one else I could talk to, and ended the conversation. (There may have aready been a credit on the account for that sum before this change; there's no way for me to check that, as that account as been inactivated.)

This is a big problem for me. This account belongs to my daughter, but my husband and I also use Virgin phones for our personal and business needs. One of the reasons for Local Number Portability legislation is to make sure that, if and when one changes a cell phone account, one doesn't lose contact with all of the family, friends, and business associates that know how to reach you at that number, so cell phone companies are required to allow cell phone number transfers between companies.

But you just gave mine away.

How can I have any confidence it won't happen to my other numbers? Are my other numbers only safe if I transfer them immediately to another service? How can you have an "investigation team" that makes extremely questionable changes to accounts without any recourse, and without any due process?

And you actually think it is adequate to send me an email informing me of the change and, by way of apology, re-setting the month start on the account? I invite you to imagine just how thrilled I am. I would at the least expect an offer of something significantly more tangible by way of offsetting the inconvenience and trouble caused by your team's ill-considered handling of this account.

I have been a supporter of Virgin phones, and have recommended them repeatedly to friends as a reasonably-priced, reliable service. In light of this development, I may be forced to reconsider my opinion, and to make sure my friends and associates are well aware of the lack of professionalism your team has exhibited.

Thank you, and I look forward to hearing from you. </lj-cut>

Is this a great country, or (XXXXXX)? Redacted

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 19:41:13 GMT

-- by Tim Moran

Many anxious people have feared, in the wake of anti-terrorism measures taken following certain incidents mainly involving Eliot Spitzer’s prosecution of Big Business figures in New York, that America may no longer be the Land o’ Opportunity it once was.

These anxious people have recognized the need for a War on Terror, but, at the same time, have asked the question “Will the War on Terror ™ limit the ability of Huddled Masses ™ to lift themselves by their bootstraps, or will the American Bootstrap Industry face a critical demand problem that will lead to a need to send those jobs offshore?”

To which, of course, the Council of American Bootstrapping has said they anticipate a continued strong demand for bootstraps, though it is probable that America will remain the hub of high-value Bootstrap research and development while actual bootstrap production may be outsourced to a low-cost, right-sized supplier in a country that begins with the letter “C.”

Meanwhile, though, America can take quiet pride that the Horatio Alger story of illegal immigrant rags to riches continues here in the Home of the Brave and the land of Homeland Security. Any doubt that the War on Terror ™ is impinging on our increasingly Global security economy is readily dispelled by the happy experience of Nada Nadim Prouty, former Detroit-area resident and waitress.

Ms. Prouty came to America as a mere student with a one-year visa, but, by throwing herself onto our free enterprise system, she now will be able to go out to the rest of the world and say: “This is truly the Land of Opportunity, and as a person who was not even in the country legally I can tell you that my Opportunities included jobs as an FBI agent and a CIA employee.”

Of course, it may be some time before Ms. Prouty is able to go back out to that world, because just at the moment both the FBI and the CIA are searching through their recipe boxes and receipt files to try to understand what Sensitive Homeland Information might have been “compromised” by Ms. Prouty, and, at the same time, the IRS is attempting to reclaim the roughly $7 million it believes it is owed by Ms. Prouty’s brother-in-law, a Dearborn entrepreneur who currently has found that Lebanon offers him more opportunity in certain key areas of business.

For anybody who might have been served coffee at the La Shish restaurants where Ms. Prouty got her initial training and special expertise to move on to the FBI, don’t worry. While she was doing her work at the chain of non-stereotypical restaurants and thinking pure thoughts about The Homeland, she was not actually engaged in security employment and probably was not aware of the close ties between the La Shish owner and the Hizbollah faction back home. One can be proud that, after a 2002 fundraiser involving Sheikh Muhammad Hussein Fadlallah back in Lebanon, she apparently dashed to the national security computers to make sure that neither she, her sister nor her former employer were the subjects of any active investigation. Some might view that as dubious, but we prefer to call it “responsible.” I think we can all give a sigh of relief as we recognize her diligence. Without a doubt, had it turned out there was an investigation going on, Ms. Prouty of the FBI would have Suddenly Known that somebody was ot-nay oo-tay egal-lay, and would have removed herself from consideration for employment at the CIA in 2003. Since there was no indication of an investigation, she instead breathed a sigh of relief and became an operations officer.

This is undoubtedly why, while we are checking frail grandmothers at the airport to ensure that they are not carrying dangerously sharp Depends or phials of more than four ounces of liquid hair bluing, a federal judge has determined that Ms. Prouty should be free on bail after she agreed that her sham marriage to an unemployed Downriver Detroit man never involved, in fact, living in the same house with him while he watched televised football and yelled loudly for her to “beer me!”

Having Ms. Prouty free to move about the streets of the Homeland is undoubtedly a wise move. After all – should she happen to leave the Land of Opportunity and forgo that $10,000 bond certificate, that’s only $6,890,000 and change left for the IRS to collect in the missing tax payments from the restaurant chain.

U.S. Rep. Mike Rogers, Republican, himself a former FBI agent, says now that Congress knows about the situation, they will “scrub this thing.” He anticipates bold Congressional hearings as a first line of defense, which will probably last longer than the six-to-12 month entrepreneurial experience in incarceration enhancement expected for Ms. Prouty beginning early next year. “And it deserves to be scrubbed,” says the Hon. Mike, who suggests that it is possible that even more individuals may have benefited through self-improvement and dedicated effort by becoming National Security employees despite a lamentable lack of citizenship.

Isn’t this a great Homeland? Do we have the best War on Terror ™, or what? We must surely be the envy of (XXXXXXX). redacted